Acts of ugliness

1. I spent seven years trying to be good enough for the man i was with to love me. I knew he was  cheating on me and he was really abusive, but I always blamed myself. I finally had the courage to leave him. though i was happy to be away from him I always felt that i needed to get even with him. i slept with his older brother.
2.though i never told my ex about sleeping with his brother i felt like I had leveled the field a little bit. unfortunately it backfired and me and his brother fell in love. afraid of what he might do if he found out i ended things with his brother. his brother's life fell apart after that and i feel very responsible.
3. I was raped 3 years ago by someone I considered a friend. i thought that i was  unphased until i got into a new relationship and found I'm unable to say yes to having sex with him when he asks. we still do have sex, but not often because I always say no. he says having sex with me is like pulling teeth and he usually gets frustrated and we fight a lot. I'm afraid to tell him that I can't give up control.
4. my next door neighbor when i was younger used to make me look at his dads porn magazines and then he would make me act out the pictures with him. i was 8 and he was 13. I  don't remember how i felt about it then, but I think about it now and I wonder if I liked it.
5. I have spent a lot of time flirting with men i have no interest in just to get attention.  sometimes i flirt with guys who have girlfriends just to see if i can get them to pay more attention to me than their girls. I know that makes me a wicked bitch, and i wish I didn't like the way it feels, but somewhere I feel that it validates me as an attractive girl. I wish i felt pretty on my own without having to act so ugly.


~ thanks k... great site.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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