Big WIN

1. I believe I have failed at life miserably.
2. I think about suicide every minute of every day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
3. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years, and while I love her more than anything, I would love to end it more than anything.
4. I'm playing russian roulette as we speak...
5. ...I won.  Fuck

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight

[Does your girlfriend know that you are suicidal? This post reminded me of John right away -- readers who have been around a while might remember this post, where I talk about meeting John briefly a week before he killed himself. I still think about him regularly months later and I know that I will never forget him. One thing I did not mention in the other post was that I talked to John's girlfriend quite a bit the night I found out he had died, and ran into her again a while later when she was out with a friend having a sort of melancholy celebration of his 30th birthday. It surprised me to find out at the time that in spite of having only met him one evening during a chance encounter, I actually knew more about John's suicidal thoughts than his own girlfriend. He had been thinking about it for a long time, but she said he had only talked to her about it once a couple of days before he died. She had stayed up with him very late that night trying to console him, and thought that he seemed a little better the next day. She hadn't even had time to adjust to the idea that he was so depressed without her even knowing, and his death was obviously profoundly devastating to her.

I know that this comment is already far longer than your original post, but I say all of this to say that you need to know, understand, acknowledge, and accept that if you kill yourself, your girlfriend that you love so much will never be the same. She will wonder for the rest of her life if there was something, anything she could have done to stop you. You can say you love her more than anything in the world, but if you don't love her enough to seek the help you need to get through this, you'll hurt her worse than almost anything else ever could. Just don't do it. Seek counseling, call 1-800-SUICIDE, do whatever you need to do, except the one thing you can never take back.
-K]




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