ALWAYS a bad option

1. I was a heroin addict for 7years and used intravenously for 6yrs.

   I stole from my family and once worked as an escortfor

    Drug money. I am still with the guy who I used with and 

    Have never told him. In fact I have never told anyone or will,

     Which is why its a secret.

2. When I was 18 I was in an affair with a married man. When his second baby was being born we spent the night drinking and fucking.

3. I was raped when I was a young teenager and I went crazy because of it

For a long time. I hated myself and felt like a weakling because

I didn't fight back hard enough. The messed up part is although

Somehow I became turned on by rape scenarios and rough sex.

4. The aforementioned boyfriend that I have been with for 10 years got clean with me a few years ago. We always though we beat the odds because we 

Got high together and got clean together.  Well I know he is getting high with a friend and kicked him out. The truth is although he is a complete loser

I would do anything to make him happy and just come back. I can't tell him but

Sometimes I feel like abandoning my work and life just to be with him. I even have considered just supporting him until he wakes up. I feel desperate sometimes for him. Sometimes I think I haven't conquered my addiction but just turned it on him.

5. Sometimes things get so overwhelming that I just want to end it all. Between the ages of 15-23 I attempted suicide wholeheartedly and failed. I have stopped my heart for 30 seconds.and was revived only by a code and a subsequent external pace maker.  I just wish someone would love me for me and not what I can do for them. U won't do it, but SOMETIMES it feels like an option.

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