Sinaloa is not the answer

1.just got done off a 3yr relationship with a guy who is an alcoholic and shoots cocaine, all three yrs he would always tell me that i was so nice and sweet to him and that i am soo beautiful but he couldnt love me..he only liked me . always told me that he was still in love with his xgf he had yrs ago from another state. and it fuckin broke my heart but i would ignore him most the times he said that. idk why i ,im just stupid like that. i hate her with all my heart and guts, i still love him so much but i think its best that its over , that way that jerk can be hapily ever after without me in the way.

2.he still calls me and tells me that he misses me so much and that he wants to see me. and i do to but i try to act like i dont miss him and like i dont give a f. this relationship was all behind my moms back cuz she hates him bcuz he was drunk one day, i got a call from one of my guy friends and he got mad and pushed me around and bruised me up, i tried to hidethe bruises but my mom saw them. i met him when i was 18, he was 23 (he's 25 n im 20 now), he asked me to marry him 5times , and i did want to but idk i guess i was too scared to do so. sumtimes i wonder how my life wouldve been if i was married to em right now. 

3. i want to meet his x n see if she s better then me , better looking , smarter, ect. idk i feel crazy for that but i cant help it , obviously shes alot better cuz he loves her n not me 

4. i dont have that many friends anymore thanks to him.. he made me stop talking to everyone ,and he never let me go out with freinds, now all i got is guy freinds , i kinda want a female freind just to tell her gurl stuff that i cant talk to with a dude freind. i work in cosmetics counter and were all females and trust me u cannot trust a female with ur secrets and all that , theyre all two faced ! guy freinds are much better 

5. i hate it when dudes tell me im pretty , im beautiful , im sexy and all that crap, idk why but it literally makes me gag. im 5'4 and wieght 138 but i feel like i wieght 200lbs. i look in the mirror and i hate myself , i hate what i see , idk why pple say im beautiful. ive been sleeping with my cousin , its hapened a few times , and it grosses me out , i try to avoid him but sumhow he talks me in to it . im telling u im the worlds stupidist gurl. i want a sugar daddy , i want all the money in the world i want power , i want to part of the cartel de sinaloa but have no idea how to do that :(

suggestions? cartelcash1823@yahoo.com 

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