Recovery takes time

1...my husband was cheating on me I found out....I paid someone to. beat his whore up......they broke her leg and both arms
2...when I kicked my husband out he beat me so bad that I was in the hospital for 2days...have a restraining order on him ....
3...my husband keeps talking to me...no one knows
4...wonders y husband keeps. talking to me.....we met at a hotel and had hours of sex...
5...I WILL never tell him that I still love him...I will never tell anyone that we r.talking  or had sex again .....god....after all he did y do I still love him?