Happily unhappy

1) I am 18 and want a kid. I would love to be a mother but I don't like how I would be looked at.
2) I have made my boyfriend cum inside me before. He didn't mind because I'm on birth control but I was secretly hoping it would result in a child.
3) I am deathly afraid of going to college. I don't know if I'll make any new friends and I'm scared about sharing a room with someone I don't know.
4) I love my boyfriend very much but I want to spice up our love life. We don't do as much I would like to.
5) I am have tried to make my boyfriend break up with me because I want to be unhappy. It's odd but I have never truly felt happy with my life. I don't want to drag him down with me or hold him back for someone better. I'm hoping he never listens to me cuz I dunno what I'd do without him